IF I DIE TODAY.....my only regret is that I left behind some awesome sugar cookies

Yesterday, I had one of those food cravings that I identified as sugar cookie with frosting.  You know how sometimes you want something but you are unsure as to what it is you want?  Well,  I was grocery shopping and I perused the bakery and nothing looked good.  So I set about picking up something for dinner and when I saw a picture of a t-bone steak near the beef counter, I decided that yes, that sounded right.  After I determined it would be steak for dinner I had to circle back and pick up ingredients for how my steak would be prepared.  I needed rosemary and garlic for sure to make my kabobs.  After that I was headed towards check out and it struck me, SUGAR COOKIE.  Damn, it had been there all along, this craving but it didn't yet have an expression.  So, again, I circled back to the bakery and there on the bottom of the pile were some fresh sugar cookies with orange icing.  The expiration date was a week later so I knew they were fresh.

After arriving home and sufficient hand washing, I popped open that plastic container of cookies and it was exactly what I was looking for.  It just screamed yes, that was it.  It is akin to scratching that itch and hitting it directing on the spot it is screaming to be scratched.  

I then set about making dinner.  After dinner complete and very satisfying, I was watching television and it occurred to me that I would like another cookie.  I quickly inventoried my sugar intake for the day and yup it was up as I had a small piece of a rotting chocolate cake in the refrigerator earlier.  I decided that I didn't care.  That the time was now and in place of sitting here fending off my sugar cookie desire, I would indulge myself.  Again, it was satisfying.  It wasn't the type of thing where you eat it and then feel terrible afterwards.  Nope, it was good.  

It got me to thinking about how if I dropped dead today, my only regret would be that I left those cookies behind.  For in the non physical world, you don't get cookies.  At least it seems more than reasonable that there is no eating required.  Food matters.  Food is energy and we require energy for physical survival.  I am pretty sure I am not getting any cookies when I croak.  

One of my favorite sayings has been my idea of heaven is cake.  (Yes, I like cake too, more than cookies but this craving was for cookies).  I said this once at a work reception and to that another person replied that her idea of heaven  was football.  I could not think of a worse hell than an eternity of football.  And it just drove home in an idiosyncratic way how what is heaven to one person would be another person's hell.  This Colt's fan had no idea that football could be so utterly boring to another individual.  She sat there like it would be everyone's fantasy.  And for a lot of people it would probably be a pretty good eternity.  If you had to pick one thing to have on a deserted island for all of eternity what would it be.  I am pretty sure she liked cake too judging by the way she was shoving it down her gullet.  However, the idea of one thing for eternity would probably bore even the strictest of football fans.  

I have always wrestled with boredom.  Boredom is not my friend.  I get into trouble when I get bored.  I go looking for trouble, I guess, anything to break up the boredom.  As I have gotten further on down the bunny trail in life, though, I have become aware of my boredom and what I have sacrificed in order to break the monotony.  I have now come to the conclusion that boredom is not worse than trouble.  I would rather be bored than invite in horrible circumstances.  Like taking chances on relationships with men whom I know are not good for me.  No, anything is not better than nothing.  I have decided to deal with my own boredom and become entertained by myself.  ME.  I much more enjoy my own services to that of most people.  I have found that I am fun.  I am a riot and I do not need anyone else in my life to compromise my happiness. I can be happy all on my own without lowering my expectations to fit with someone who is coming along for the ride.  I do not want that ride for it does not quell the craving.  The craving I have been craving has been me all along.  I will laugh at my own jokes in place of entertaining someone else.  I will support myself when things aren't going along so well.  Yes, that is the key.  I will support my self in place of pouring all of my energies into someone else and barely receiving anything back.  My love is for me (and those pesky kids and animals of mine).  

And for giving myself what I want.  And sometimes it is as simple as a cookie.